00:33 

Double vision

Боже, мой Боже, ласковый мой Боже, научи меня летать, если ты все можешь
Сука-Шерлок уже месяц ест мне мозг. As a result I've been utterly unproductive all this time. Lots of articles on personal disorders of various nature studied, lots of fanfiction of dubious quality read, lots of time spent on the silliest music videos, yep, and a five-pages-post about Sherlock and Co traumatic experiences and disfunctional relations written. And a piece of lyric. And he is still not out of my system. God damn it!
I belive that obsessions of such intensity and excessive duration are usually provoked by the slightest imperfection of a picture you see - when everything seems to be in place, but some tiny inscrutable detail still might be out of order - and you have that nagging feeling as if your vision doubles and simply can not leave the scene as it is - so you are mulling and musing and probing for an infinit amount of time. Well, in my case it is my disability to come to clear and weighted conclusion whether Sherlock is shown as a great and strong person or whether he is a pitiable narcissist loser. Now as I am thinking about it it's obvious that he can be both at the same time - because he is Sherlock, he's so charmingly uniqe in his own way, after all. Vulnerable and resilient, hurt and content (yep, there is something ambiguously masochistic about being hurt and content simultaneously), yearning and self-sufficient, miserable and happy to be as he is - he is an amazingly contradictory person.
When I watched the series for the first time I was struck with awe by Sherlock's invincibility - he looked so good, so in power, always having an upper hand in his great fight with whatever it was - enemy, destiny, life itself. Of course he had his helping of beating (and a full plate of it), ecpesially in seasons 3 and 4, but he managed to get out of it unbeaten and almost unchanged.
And it is the problem - as I see it now. Yes, he's no more broken at the end than he was at the begining, but what good it actually did to him? He is no stronger, no better-adjusted, no happier than he was before. To be unbendable also means to be unmendable. And Sherlock obviously needs fixing, being a highly-functioning narcissist - they all need. Yes, he is an unconquerable dragon-slaying knight in a shiny gear, but inside this gear is a damaged and aching core. Existence of this bloodied core is not apparent in the movie, because Sherlock's protections are almost invincible, - and we can only guess that may be we have just seen something flickering behind those gorgeous eyes, or in a shadow of a smile, or in a sharply inhaled breath...
The question is how I want to see him? What is more dear to me - stiff and strong shell or vulnerable and pliable inside?
The stiff and unbending is the disciple of death. The gentle and yielding is the disciple of life. The hard and strong will fall. The soft and weak will overcome.
Oh, blast it, I am torn apart by inconsistent toughts and emotions.

And on top of it - вишенки на торте: у ребенка сопли и температура, куча работы недоделана за неделю и муж после семимесячного отсутствия приезжает в воскресенье, ожидая праздничный обед...

@темы: I am sherlocked

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